The Tale of the Guinea Pig and the Tale of Onion Boy

Two late-night stories.

Ray:

Once upon a time there was a Guinea pig who ate everyone on Earth.  Except his owner.  The Guinea pig was huge.  And one other person, who was hiding.  The person who was hiding came along and kicked the Guinea pig in the stomach, and the Guinea pig threw everyone up and became small again.  The end.

De:

Once upon a time there was a woman who hated onions.  She hated them so much that she ate them, because she wanted them to die!  One day, she was cutting an onion and found a seed inside.  She cut it open carefully and found an onion baby inside, a human baby who was tiny.  But because she hated onions, she hated the baby, too, and was mean to him.  Finally the baby ran away.  One day in the forest the onion baby found a giant who hated all people who hated onions, and who decided to find the onion-hating lady and kill her.  The onion baby followed the giant, knowing that the onion-hating lady still hated him but determined to save her anyway.  The giant yelled at the woman who hated onions to come out of her house.  She did.  The giant who hated the woman who hated onions challenged the woman who hated onions to a duel.  The two would stand inside giant bowls and cry into cups, and dump their cups into the other’s bowl, and see who drowned first.  The giant was very large, and each of his tears was the size of a car, so the woman’s bowl filled up very fast, on top of which, she wasn’t tall enough to dump her tears into the giant’s bowl, so she was drowning twice as fast.  Well, the onion boy was on the back of the giant’s shoulders, and when he saw what was happening, he cried so much that the giant’s bowl filled up faster than the woman’s bowl, and the two were up to their chins in tears.  The onion boy cried some more, and the giant started to drown.  The woman finally said, “Well, that’s enough of that.  I don’t deserve to be drowned just because I hate onions.  And the onion baby, who will drown that giant out of pure sadness if I can’t help it, doesn’t deserve to be hated just because I hate onions, either.”  So she started swimming (she was very smart) until she reached the edge of her bowl and jumped out.  Then, because the giant wasn’t smart enough to swim, she threw a hook over the edge of his bowl and tied it to the back of her truck and tipped the bowl over, saving the giant.  The giant left and the onion boy lived with the woman who hated onions, who loved the onion boy, even if he did stink.

“NOW GO TO SLEEP!”

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